<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>When This Body Is Dust by prince_zale</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220013">When This Body Is Dust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_zale/pseuds/prince_zale'>prince_zale</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Brain Cancer, Cancer, M/M, Soulmates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:55:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/prince_zale/pseuds/prince_zale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I shall love you<br/>With all my love<br/>Not just a portion<br/>Love’s vast expanse<br/>Moves through me<br/>Requiring infinity<br/>To receive it<br/>Expand your heart<br/>Into the infinite<br/>And when this<br/>Body is dust we shall<br/>Find each other<br/>All over again"</p>
<p>― Collette O'Mahony, The Soul in Words: A collection of Poetry &amp; Verse</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shouyou would kiss the back of his shoulder and let him continue to rest, padding quietly out of the room. Tobio hadn’t moved since he’d flopped into bed the minute they’d gotten home. He hadn’t even turned over once. He hadn’t eaten. Hadn’t had any water. Hadn’t tried to sleep even though exhaustion tugged at him like he was caught in the undertow. He just stared at the wall. He was willing fate to change, willing the gods to say ‘Gotcha!’, willing the doctors to call and say they’d messed up. He was willing a miracle.<br/>It had been fourteen hours and it hadn’t come yet.<br/>That didn’t mean it wouldn’t.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Kagehina Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When This Body Is Dust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Goooooood morning folx, and welcome to the brain cancer fic that *nobody* asked for but I am going to inflict on the world anyways. Yes, I know I'm evil, I have no regrets. Except for maybe procrastinating this fic until the night before it was due but hey, you win some, you lose some. That said, please enjoy my entry for the Kagehina Big Bang 2020. Also, go take a look at the wonderful art for this piece by Fio - https://www.instagram.com/p/CJFoVLILOCo/</p>
<p>Also, obvious trigger warnings for cancer, themes of death, and pretty much everything that goes along with those two things. This is not a happy fic over all folx, please take care of yourselves.</p>
<p>Furthermore - I did a *lot* of research, and while I have my own chronic illness, I *do not* have cancer, I have no idea what it's like first hand. I hope that I did the disease and the struggles and feelings justice, but I do not know. I can only speak to my own feelings having a chronic illness and how unfair that feels, but I've never had a death sentence. Take that as you will. Know that this is coming largely from a place of speculation and respect. I do not and will not say that this is an accurate representation nor will I try to pretend that I have any idea of what this disease is capable of doing. I will not pretend I have any idea of what chemo is capable of doing. All I have is second hand knowledge from mainstream media, and my own research that I did for this fic.</p>
<p>With that all said, enjoy. Or... don't? I mean this wasn't really meant to be an enjoyable experience so... suffer? Love you all.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>    The cherry blossom petals swirled around them in the mild spring air, Tobio looking down at his partner of three years. He had asked Shouyou to meet him here, under the cherry blossom tree, after they got their diplomas. Now that they were here, his heart was racing, feeling like it was ready to pound out of his chest.</p>
<p>    “Tobio? What is it?” Shouyou chirped, giving him one of his smiles that could rival the sun. </p>
<p>    Tobio swallowed down his pride and held out his closed hand. “Give me your palm,” he instructed Shouyou.</p>
<p>    Shouyou looked confused, but was happy to oblige him. Tobio dropped the item into Shouyou’s hand and made him close his hand around it. He could feel that his cheeks were on fire, and he couldn’t meet Shouyou’s eyes.</p>
<p>    When Shouyou opened his palm and saw Tobio’s second button there, well, Tobio couldn’t see his face, but he felt Shouyou body slam into him, and then his lips on his jaw, as high as he could reach without Tobio leaning down. Tobio’s cheeks colored more, and he finally met Shouyou’s gaze, seeing the sun grinning up at him. <br/>    “Give me <em> your </em>palm,” Shouyou demanded eagerly. Tobio held his out, and soon saw a similar button in his hand. </p>
<p>    “Me too,” Shouyou murmured, closing Tobio’s fingers around it. Tobio couldn’t help the slow spread of an adoring smile across his lips as he finally leaned down and kissed Shouyou. Their first kiss was tender and soft, nothing like the demanding nature of their relationship. It was full of love and affection, and Tobio wouldn’t have had it any differently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    They considered themselves lucky that they had already decided - rather, that they had already been <em> recruited </em>to the same university, and the same volleyball team. They would be the freak duo for a little while longer. They moved to Tokyo right before the start of their new semester. At their first practice, Tobio was surprised to find how many people he recognized. There was Wakatoshi Ushijima, Koutarou Bokuto, Lev Haiba, Morisuke Yaku, and their very own Kei Tsukishima. He was sort of glad to keep at least part of their friend group together, even if Kei was never his favorite person. </p>
<p>    As such, their apartment warming party was quite well attended. Hitoka-chan also happened to be at a university in the area, and was happy to join them. Tadashi traveled all the way from Sendai to attend their party, agreeing to spend the night with Kei afterwards. They had all their friends with them at their party, and Tobio was happy and comfortable. </p>
<p>    “Your place is pretty small, but it looks comfy,” Koutarou said, then took a drink of his beer as he sat on their couch.</p>
<p>    “Koutarou, please don’t be rude,” Keiji said, his hand rubbing over Koutarou’s shoulder. Tobio and Shouyou just laughed.</p>
<p>    “Please, Akaashi-san, it’s okay. It <em> is </em>small,” Shouyou chuckled, waving his hand at him.</p>
<p>    “Small? It’s practically a shoebox,” Kei teased, though he was making himself comfortable on their floor, his head in Hitoka-chan’s lap. She flicked him in the forehead, and he stuck his tongue out at her. </p>
<p>    Tobio snorted at the shenanigans of his friends, glad to be surrounded by their warmth, even as he was fighting off a headache. He gave Shouyou’s hand a squeeze and kissed his temple before weaving through their guests into the kitchen. He opened the cabinet next to the window above the sink and grabbed their bottle of Aleve, shaking a couple pills into his hand. The headache never quite cleared up completely, but the painkillers at least took the edge off for the rest of the night. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>    As the season started, Tobio and Shouyou found themselves quite busy, what with volleyball practice, school, their part-time jobs, studying with Kei (“I got you through high school, I’m not about to let all my hard work go to waste,” he’d said), and video calling with their families. The timing and pacing of their schedules meant that the constant, underlying headache never really made itself known to Tobio. It became so routine to be in pain that he didn’t even realize he <em> was </em> in pain. </p>
<p>He chalked the tension in his temples, behind his eyes, and down the back of his neck up to stress. He had rather a lot to be stressed about, juggling their busy schedules, worrying about finances and his grades, being away from family for the first time for a great length of time. He blamed the fatigue on his anxiety, that the stress must be causing him to get less quality sleep, that maybe he was awake ruminating for longer than he’d originally thought. The sometimes bone deep pain was just from overworking himself during practice, or from going too hard against Shouyou in their morning races.</p>
<p>Self-medication came easy to him in the form of pain-relievers for his headaches, baths and yoga for his aches and pains, herbal tea and melatonin before bed, journaling for his stress, and coffee in the morning for his fatigue, all approved by the team doctor to keep him in tip top shape for games and practice. </p>
<p>It’s easy to convince himself the constant pain is nothing but compiled stress, especially when the team doctor doesn’t seem concerned in the least. The doctor even led him to believe it could be dehydration, so Tobio upped his water intake. When that doesn’t work, a tiny bit of worry starts to wiggle itself into his brain but, if it were something to be worried about, then the doctor would tell him, right? It’s nothing. It’s just stress. </p>
<p>It’s what he told himself day in and day out. It’s what he told Shouyou, when his partner seemed concerned that he was taking pain-killers at the start of every day. It’s what he told Kei when his vision got so blurry from a headache during a study session that he had to stop for fifteen minutes until it stopped swimming. It’s what he told himself when his ears would ring when he’d stand up too quickly. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was still telling himself it was just stress when he felt dizzy and nauseous during a practice match against another Tokyo university. He was still telling himself it was just stress when his hands started to go numb and tingly. He was still telling himself it was just stress when his vision started to blur, when he couldn’t hear Shouyou calling for the ball, when he couldn’t feel the ball touch his fingertips, when the world went sideways, when he was staring up at the net from the floor, when his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, when he felt his muscles twitch and jerk without his permission. </p>
<p>Only when his body finally relaxed and released, only when feeling returned to his fingers, only when his tongue loosened, only when he saw the concerned faces of his team mates, only when he finally heard Shouyou calling his name again, did he think…</p>
<p>
  <em> Maybe it’s not stress after all. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Maybe there is something wrong with me. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <b> <em>Maybe…</em> </b>
</p>
<p>    Coming back to himself when he didn’t know exactly what had occurred was an odd feeling. It felt like there were gaps in his timeline. Surely he hadn’t just gone from a set to laying on the floor. Surely there was more to it. Surely something had happened to him. </p>
<p>    “Let’s get you up,” came his coach’s voice, and he felt his strong hands wrap around his upper arm, Koutarou on the opposite side. He felt their sturdy arms slip around his waist. He felt the weakness in his knees as he tried to walk. Yet… he felt inexplicably detached from it all. Like he was watching it all from a distant, removed coachmen’s seat.</p>
<p>    He could hear the concerned murmurs of his teammates as his thighs met the bench on the sidelines. He could feel himself start to slump as they released him. He could see Shouyou rushing to his side to help him lie down on the bench instead, unable to support himself. But… he wasn’t <em> there. </em> He was clearly somewhere else. Somewhere above.</p>
<p>    Then, all at once, he slammed back into his body. His fingers tightened in Shouyou’s shorts as he was held by his partner. His heart was hammering, trying to break through his chest like a wrecking ball. He couldn’t catch his breath. Was that <em> him </em>whining? Why did he feel so scared? Why did he feel so shaky? So queasy?</p>
<p>    Apparently, it wasn’t a good idea to think of the queasiness, because his stomach turned and he almost lost his breakfast right into Shouyou’s lap. His boyfriend must’ve noticed, because there were suddenly fingers gently carding through his hair, and whispered promises that it would be okay into his ear.</p>
<p>    “Kei’s just gone to get his car from the lot. We’re going to take you to the emergency room to get checked out. We’re going to take care of you, Tobio,” Shouyou promised him.</p>
<p>    Even though Tobio still wasn’t fully comprehending what had happened, he found himself relaxing with Shouyou’s reassurances, and slumping against him. He must’ve fallen asleep, or something, because he didn’t remember the trip to the hospital, or most of getting checked in. </p>
<p>He was in a gown, cold, in an uncomfortable bed, a catheter in his arm feeding him fluids. They’d taken blood from there, and in the opposite arm, which had annoyed him. He didn’t like being poked with needles more than he had to. He was drifting in and out of sleep, waiting for a CT scanner to become available so that they could look inside his head. He was also due for an MRI and an EEG. He felt exhausted by even the thought of it. He was glad that Shouyou and Kei were by his side, at least, and that the doctors were letting him sleep. </p>
<p>Tobio blinked his eyes open miserably as another nurse came into his room. “Sorry, dear, we just need to give you a bit of medication with your fluids. This will help prevent another immediate seizure while we wait for the machines to become available,” she said, giving him a pitying smile. She scanned his wristband, had him confirm some details, then hooked the bag of medicine into his saline IV. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”</p>
<p>“He’s cold, is there any way the room temperature can be brought up, or that we can get him a few more heated blankets,” Shouyou answered for him, making Tobio smile a bit. Shouyou always knew what he needed.</p>
<p>    Tobio must have fallen asleep again, waking drowsily as he was being rolled down a hallway, cold again as the air breezed by him. He looked around, a bit confused, but his questions were answered when he was wheeled into a room marked ‘CT Scan 1.’</p>
<p>    The technician was nice enough, having him confirm the same details the nurse had, asking him if he’d had a CT scan before (he hadn’t), and telling him what to expect. He decidedly did not like CT scans. They were much too cold, the breathing patterns didn’t match up with his natural breathing, so it was hard, and he hated when the contrast dye slid through his veins and made him hot all over. It felt a bit like he peed himself, and he had to double check after they got him back on his bed in order to make sure he hadn’t.</p>
<p>    “We just happened to hear that the MRI opened up while we were in here, so I’m actually going to take you there instead,” his transportation specialist said, helping him bundle back up in his blankets.</p>
<p>    This machine he hated even more. It was claustrophobic as hell, his head was held still with restraints, and it was so, <em> so </em>loud. He could hear the beeping, humming and mechanical clunking of the machine through the ear plugs they gave him. It was so loud he couldn’t possibly sleep through it, he couldn’t possibly relax. It stressed him out, and without Shouyou around, he was struggling to calm down.</p>
<p>    “Tobio,” came the technician’s voice in his ears, making him startle. “You’re breathing too quickly, do you need to take a break?”</p>
<p>    “No, please keep going, I want it to be over. The sooner, the better,” he told the machine, assuming they could hear him somehow. They seemed to hear, or understand him, because they kept going without pulling him out. He tried to steady his breath for them so that they wouldn’t comment on it again. He was happy when he could be out of the machine, and out of the cold room. He was happy when they took him back to the room and he could see Shouyou and Kei again.</p>
<p>    “They had you for a while, did everything go okay?” Shouyou asked, coming to the side of his bed and taking his hand. </p>
<p>    “I think so, I don’t really know. I was cold a lot. The stuff for the CT scan made me feel like I had to pee. I didn’t like that,” he grumbled, snuggling to Shouyou’s hand. </p>
<p>    “The next thing they’re doing, the EEG, or whatever, they say they can do in the room,” Kei said, putting his hand gently on Tobio’s knee. “You should rest some more. The team is worried about you... “ Kei sighed deeply before continuing, “Koutarou and Lev say ‘Don’t die, we hope you get a cool sticker.’”</p>
<p>    Tobio couldn’t help a little chuckle at that. “A sticker would be pretty nice.”</p>
<p>    “Sticker for your troubles,” Shouyou joined in, making him laugh a bit more.</p>
<p>    Kei grinned at them, then stood. “I was going to go grab a bite to eat. Are either of you hungry?”</p>
<p>    “Where are you going?” Shouyou hummed, looking up at him.</p>
<p>    “I was gonna go to Onigiri Miya,” Kei said as he slid on his spring-weight jacket.</p>
<p>    “Pickled plum and salmon?” Shouyou requested. </p>
<p>    The two men then looked to Tobio.</p>
<p>    “Can I just get one salmon and one without filling?” Tobio requested. His stomach was still a little queasy, even though they’d given him nausea medication.</p>
<p>    Kei nodded and was quick to leave once they’d given their orders.</p>
<p>    Tobio was left alone with Shouyou, who was smiling at him warmly, and leaning his head on his fist, which he’d supported on the bed. Tobio couldn’t help but smile back, and caress his cheek. “Thanks for coming with me,” he murmured, leaning over and kissing Shouyou’s forehead.</p>
<p>    Shouyou beamed up at him. “Of course I would, Tobio. You shouldn’t have to go to the hospital alone, even if it turns out to be nothing,” he murmured. </p>
<p>    “I love you,” Tobio whispered, grinning at him.</p>
<p>    “I love you, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    It was long after Kei had left and come back with their food, and Tobio had his EEG that a doctor finally came and saw them. She sat in a chair at the end of his bed, clipboard in her hands, her conservative clothes covered by a white lab coat.</p>
<p>    “I am Dr. Hitomi Yoshida, the attending physician. I have the results back from your test,” she said, looking to Tobio, then to the two other men. “Would you like me to ask your friends to leave?”</p>
<p>    Tobio was quick to shake his head. “They aren’t just my friends. They’re my family.” </p>
<p>    Dr. Yoshida nodded in understanding, then looked at her clipboard. “Before I can be sure of my prognosis, I need to ask you a few questions. Have you been feeling fatigued?”</p>
<p>    He nodded.</p>
<p>    “Having lots of headaches?”</p>
<p>    He nodded.</p>
<p>    “Body aches and pains?”</p>
<p>    Nod.</p>
<p>    “Vision or hearing problems?”</p>
<p>    Nod.</p>
<p>    “Numbness or tingling in your appendages?”</p>
<p>    Nod.</p>
<p>    “And this was your first seizure?”</p>
<p>    Tobio nodded again, beginning to worry, especially as she sighed.</p>
<p>    “Tobio, your symptoms and the test results all point in one direction, and that is that you have a cancerous brain tumor,” Dr. Yoshida said, pausing to give him a moment to process what he’d just heard before she continued, “The tumor is located on your brain-stem. It is too embedded in your brain, too deep to operate on. But it <em> can </em>be treated by radiation and chemotherapy. We’ll need to do a biopsy to be completely sure it’s cancerous, but all of your symptoms say that it’s likely it is. You’re so healthy otherwise, I think you have a really good shot at this. I will get you connected with our cancer specialists, and they’ll help you set up a treatment plan that works best for you.” She then looked around to each of them again. “I’m really sorry. I’m going to get the paperwork started for your discharge. We’ll be sending you home with some medications to help manage the seizures, and a case manager will be by to see you before you leave.”</p>
<p>    Dr. Yoshida left them alone in their stunned silence. Tobio couldn’t comprehend the doctor’s words. Cancer. Brain tumor. </p>
<p>Cancer. </p>
<p>
  <em> Cancer.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <b> <em>Brain tumor.</em> </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b> <em>CANCER.</em> </b>
</p>
<p>How? He’d led his life so healthily up until now. <em> How </em> did <em> he </em> have <em> cancer? </em> How? It couldn’t be. They had to have mixed up his results with someone else’s. Or maybe they read his results wrong? It couldn’t be. He was <em> healthy. </em>He couldn’t just have cancer, it wasn’t fair. And inoperable? They wouldn’t even try? What the hell? What the hell?!</p>
<p>He could understand if he’d been unhealthy, if he’d had trauma to his brain before, if… He couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t understand. Why? Why him? He was <em> healthy. </em> He was healthy and still… he had inoperable brain cancer. </p>
<p>He looked to Shouyou.</p>
<p>That was a bad idea.</p>
<p>His big brown eyes were filled with sorrow and fear, tears spilling over onto his cheeks.</p>
<p>“Y-you’re gonna fight it, right, Tobio?”</p>
<p>Tobio’s eyes flicked to Kei.</p>
<p>Also a bad idea.</p>
<p>He didn’t know Kei was capable of human emotions, but in his gaze, he saw a man terrified by the diagnosis his friend had just been given. He saw sadness. He saw pity. </p>
<p>“You have to fight it,” Kei whispered harshly, swallowing hard against his own emotions that threatened to boil over.</p>
<p>Tobio let out a shaky breath, taking Shouyou’s hand. </p>
<p>“Of course. I have to fight. I won’t lose,” he promised.</p>
<p>“You’re not alone. We’ll be with you,” Shouyou swore to him, kissing where their hands were joined.</p>
<p>Tobio could only nod.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tobio?” Shouyou’s voice was soft against his ear, his hands gentle as they skimmed over his ribs. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>He’d been asking nearly every hour on the hour since they’d gotten home late last night. Tobio’s answer was always the same.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p>
<p>Shouyou would kiss the back of his shoulder and let him continue to rest, padding quietly out of the room. Tobio hadn’t moved since he’d flopped into bed the minute they’d gotten home. He hadn’t even turned over once. He hadn’t eaten. Hadn’t had any water. Hadn’t tried to sleep even though exhaustion tugged at him like he was caught in the undertow. He just stared at the wall. He was willing fate to change, willing the gods to say ‘Gotcha!’, willing the doctors to call and say they’d messed up. He was willing a miracle.</p>
<p>It had been fourteen hours and it hadn’t come yet.</p>
<p>That didn’t mean it wouldn’t.</p>
<p>He needed to stare at the wall harder, stare at the patterns the curtains made by splitting the afternoon light, stare at the uneven layers of the paint, the bits chipping away at the corners of the walls, stop blinking. Stare harder. If he could just stare hard enough, maybe his luck would change. Maybe his circumstances would be different. Maybe…</p>
<p>Maybe…</p>
<p>Not likely, but maybe.</p>
<p>Hope wasn’t enough.</p>
<p>Hope would kill him faster than the cancer would.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to know hope anymore.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to hope that he could be cured with some chemicals and radiation.</p>
<p>He didn’t want to hope, because if he hoped, he could be let down.</p>
<p>He would fight.</p>
<p>Of course he would fight.</p>
<p>But… he couldn’t hope.</p>
<p>He just couldn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shouyou was at a loss. He didn’t know how to help Tobio. Cancer was bad, sure, but it wasn’t necessarily a death sentence, was it? It wasn’t. It didn’t have to be. But Tobio was acting like it was. The doctor said he could beat it, he was healthy!</p>
<p>So why did it feel like a lie?</p>
<p>Was Tobio rubbing off on him?</p>
<p>Tobio had been laying in bed since they’d gotten home. He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t drink anything, not even water, he wouldn’t get up, but he wouldn’t sleep either. He was just laying there. It made Shouyou feel so hopeless, to see him like that.</p>
<p>He answered text after text from their teammates - of <em> course </em>they had told them, a team was practically your second family - and each only made him feel more hopeless. He didn’t have answers to over half their questions, he didn’t know how bad it was, what stage it was, how they were going to fight it - well, how Tobio was going to fight it. They hadn’t talked to the cancer specialists yet, only to a case manager, and they were only passing along their information to the cancer team. </p>
<p>Kei was equally swamped with texts, having come home with them. He claimed it was so that Shouyou wouldn’t fall apart, but Shouyou could tell Kei was barely holding it together, and that he needed company. Out of the three of them, Shouyou felt he was handling it the best. He hadn’t turned numb to the world like Tobio, he wasn’t being pessimistic like Kei, - <em> “What if he can’t fight it, though, Shou? What then? I’m only being realistic.” </em>- but he also wasn’t being overly hopeful. He felt like he had a cool head about it. </p>
<p>Then again, maybe he hadn’t fully processed it yet.</p>
<p>Maybe it hadn’t hit.</p>
<p>Maybe the panic, the fear, the sadness - maybe they were all waiting just around the corner to slap him silly.</p>
<p>Maybe it <em> would </em>slap him silly.</p>
<p>Maybe he would scream and cry and beg and bargain. </p>
<p>Maybe.</p>
<p>But maybe everything would actually be okay.</p>
<p>Maybe Tobio would fight it.</p>
<p>Maybe the chemo and the radiation would destroy it.</p>
<p>Maybe Tobio would be healthy again.</p>
<p>Shouyou had hope.</p>
<p>It was the only thing that would keep him going.</p>
<p>It was the one thing he could cling to while his two other pillars fell apart.</p>
<p>He would hope.</p>
<p>He would hope so brightly and warmly and genuinely.</p>
<p>He would hope enough for the three of them.</p>
<p>He would hope, and Tobio would get better.</p>
<p>It was the only answer he had.</p>
<p>It was all he had, so…</p>
<p>He would hope.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Kei was hanging on by a thread.</p>
<p>He wanted to call Tadashi and curse him out for suggesting he should be friends with the rest of the first years. He didn’t <em> like </em> caring about people, and things like this were exactly fucking why. If he cared, it meant he could be scared and worried when his rival turned friend received a cancer diagnosis and he <em> hated </em>that.</p>
<p>Instead, he stepped out of the TobiShou apartment, went down the three flights of stairs to the parking garage entrance, phone in hand. Instead, he called Tadashi, and he cried. Instead, he cursed out the universe for doing this to them. Instead, he sought comfort from his oldest friend about one of his newest.</p>
<p>“How is Shouyou taking it?” Tadashi asked him gently once he’d cried himself out. He was now sitting on a parking block, cigarette pinched between his pointer and middle fingers, glasses on the pavement and eyes puffy, ringed in red.</p>
<p>Kei bit out a chuckle. “Out of the three of us, he’s taking it the best. He keeps talking about how the doctor said Tobio was strong enough to fight it, he’s healthy enough to fight it.” He’d already explained the state of Tobio at the moment to Tadashi, how he wouldn’t move, how he hadn’t moved since they’d arrived home. </p>
<p>“And how are you taking it?” Tadashi murmured.</p>
<p>Kei barked a laugh again. “I just cried my eyes out on the phone with you for the past forty-five minutes. How do you think I’m taking it?”</p>
<p>“You know, three years ago, you wouldn’t’ve even cared,” Tadashi said, his voice warm with affection.</p>
<p>A strangled noise left Kei at that. “That’s not completely true… I cared about him. About both of them. I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>Tadashi’s laugh was kind, and it made Kei feel slightly better to hear it. He missed Tadashi dearly, and Hitoka, too. God, Hitoka.</p>
<p>“Which one of us is going to tell her?” Kei asked in a grave whisper.</p>
<p>Tadashi’s laugh died off and he hummed thoughtfully. “She should hear it from Tobio directly, honestly. But… if he doesn’t want to tell her, I know you don’t want to break her heart, so I would be okay to do it…”</p>
<p>The third member of their polycule was never one to take bad news well, and a cancer diagnosis would shake her to the core, Kei knew it. He definitely didn’t want to be the one to tell her. He loved her, but he couldn’t see her cry. It broke his heart every time, even more than seeing Tadashi cry did. At the same time, he didn’t want to burden Tadashi with all the hard tasks in their relationship. Hell, Tadashi had been the one to bring the three of them together by asking Hitoka to date the two of them. He’d done the hardest thing while Kei had just sat there, nodding and blushing uselessly as Tadashi had explained. The least he could do to make up for it would be to bear the bad news.</p>
<p>“That’s okay. I’ll do it if Tobio doesn’t,” Kei said, firm so that Tadashi knew he was serious. He sighed a little and tossed a tiny pebble away from his shoe. “How soon can you and she visit? I could really use partner cuddle time…”</p>
<p>Tadashi snorted softly. “We’ll come up this weekend. Part of the time will be dedicated to partner cuddle time, but I also want to see Tobio, and I’m sure Hitoka will want to as well.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I figured you would… I’m going to be spending a lot more time with both of them… I know it’s not necessarily a death sentence, but Tadashi…” Kei could feel his throat getting tight again, and he cut himself off, swallowing thick and heavy, closing his eyes to the world.</p>
<p>“I know. It’s scary. I’m scared for him, too. I feel like if we put positive energy into the world, and keep positive energy around him, it will help him fight harder. The more we believe that he will go into remission, the more likely it is to happen. At least, that’s how I feel. I realize it's kind of silly --”</p>
<p>“It’s not. I think Shouyou is following a similar philosophy. I want to do that. I really, <em> really </em>do, more than you probably expect. The problem is, I’m a realist. I want them to be prepared if it doesn’t happen the happy ending way. I want them to be prepared if it gets worse, if it doesn’t get better, if it grows, if it’s just not shrinking. I want them to be prepared, because if they aren’t and that terrible reality hits them…” Kei swallowed again, the tears building up again, his chin wobbling.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid he won’t survive that blow. That he’ll give up. I’m afraid Shouyou won’t be able to go on without him, and we’ll lose two friends. I’m so scared, I need…” Kei couldn’t continue, a sob breaking off his tirade. He pressed a hand to his mouth, trying to keep it in. </p>
<p>“You need them to have a contingency plan so they don’t fall apart,” Tadashi murmured, tone soft and doting. </p>
<p>Kei could only nod and let out a strangled sort of whimper. God, he hated crying. He hated caring and feeling. He hated it. It left him feeling weak and vulnerable every time. It was hard enough when Tadashi was the only one he cared about, but now he cared for at least three other people if he was only counting their class. More if he counted the third and second years they’d had when they first started. Even more if he counted some of his underclassmen. </p>
<p><em> Caring about people is fucking bogus, </em>he thought, and voiced it to Tadashi in a half-sob, half-whine.</p>
<p>“I know. But… the fact that you care so deeply about people now… It makes me happy. You’ve grown so much…” Tadashi hummed, but Kei could hear the little catch in his voice that told him that he was close to tears as well.</p>
<p>    “I know what you mean about wanting them to have a contingency plan, though. I don’t want them to give up either,” Tadashi whispered down the line to him. Kei felt comforted by the fact that his boyfriend felt the same.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    It wasn’t until the weekend that Tobio really got out of bed. Sure, he’d moved, went to the bathroom, he <em> had </em>eventually eaten something, he’d showered. But he always climbed back into the bed and kept willing the wall to make all his anxieties go away, kept willing the wall to cure him. However, Shouyou had explained that Tadashi and Hitoka were coming over today, and Tobio couldn’t just let the two most sensitive members of their friend group see him completely desolate and hopeless. So, he got up, he got dressed in real clothes (not pajamas, for once), brushed his hair and teeth, and finally made his way out of the bedroom that had become his home for the past few days.</p>
<p>    “He lives,” Kei joked as he walked out of the bedroom, then winced a bit. “Sorry, that probably wasn’t funny…” Tobio noticed he looked tired and stressed, and he frowned.</p>
<p>    “Kei…” Tobio sighed, then crossed the room to his friend. He hated seeing the most collected of them practically losing his shit. He flicked Kei’s forehead and pouted at him. “Knock it off. Stop worrying.”</p>
<p>    Kei scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Easy for you to say. Also, I wasn’t the one holed up in my room moping for the past three days,” he bit out, but he was grinning. It made Tobio smile in return, his gaze softening with affection for his friend.</p>
<p>    “I’m gonna fight it. It will be okay. We’ll be okay. You’ll help us set up the plan for if it’s not. We’ll plan. It will be okay,” Tobio said softly, squeezing Kei’s shoulder, feeling relief when Kei nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>    “There you are, King,” Kei teased gently. “I was starting to wonder if you’d left.”</p>
<p>    “Can’t get me that easy,” Tobio responded. “How soon will Hitoka and Tadashi be here?”</p>
<p>    “Shou left to pick them up about a half hour ago, so they should be on their way soon,” Kei said, checking his wristwatch. “There’s left over waffles from breakfast if you want anything.”</p>
<p>    Tobio shook his head. Despite himself, his appetite still wasn’t all there. Instead, he pulled out a cereal bar, just so that he could say he’d eaten <em> something. </em> While he ate his cereal bar, he gave his pits a subtle sniff. <em> Not too bad. </em>He could just manage getting away without a shower before the others came back. Only just, though. He supposed that’s what being holed up in a room would do to a person.</p>
<p>    “Listen, Tobio… I know I can be a bit of a negative Nancy --”</p>
<p>    “That’s an understatement…”</p>
<p>    “Shut up. As I was saying, I know I can be negative. But I want you to know that… uh. I believe in you. Or whatever. And that while I want you and Shouyou to be realistic about all the outcomes, I really want you to get better…”</p>
<p>    When Tobio looked over at Kei, he sighed. The man was just barely holding it together. Tobio crossed to him and hugged him tight. “Thank you. I want to get better, too. I know you’ll help Shou and I make the best decisions and weigh all of our options, even the ones that we don’t want to think about.” He felt Kei relax a bit in his arms. While neither of them were really ones for tactile comfort, with each other, at least, it was nice to hug Kei, and he gave him a bit of a reassuring squeeze while he was at it.</p>
<p>    “I love your stupid ass.”</p>
<p>    “I love your stupid ass, too, Kei.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    They were still curled together in a hug when the door burst open, Shouyou declaring loudly, “We’re home!” to their whole apartment complex. Tobio couldn’t help but smile as he let go of Kei, and moved to his boyfriend to give him a little kiss. “Ew, gross, were you cuddling with Kei?” Shouyou teased him, and Tobio laughed.</p>
<p>    “We both needed a hug. It’s fine, though, we still hate each other,” Tobio joked, then passed beyond Shouyou to his two friends, already teary-eyed and on edge. He pulled them into a tight group hug, bopping them both on the head. “Knock it off, you two. I’m going to fight this. It will be okay.”</p>
<p>    “Tobioooooooo,” Hitoka cried, sniffling and burying her face into his chest. Tobio sighed and pet her hair and kissed the top of her head. </p>
<p>    “Hitooooooka,” he mocked gently, grinning when she looked up and pouted at him. “Seriously, though. I’m feeling better than I was before, the medication is helping for now, and we’ll have a plan. Shouyou and I are supposed to meet with the cancer team early this week.”</p>
<p>    “He’s right, Hitoka, and cancer doesn’t mean a death sentence anymore,” Shouyou chimed in, patting her back.</p>
<p>    For his credit, Tadashi had gotten control of himself pretty quickly, and though his eyes were still swimming with tears, he was smiling and hugging his boyfriend while their friends comforted their girlfriend. </p>
<p>    “They’ve got us, too, babe,” Tadashi promised her, giving her a little smile. Seeing her boyfriends and her best friends put on a brave face seemed to sober Hitoka up, because she gave a little sniff, wiped her eyes, and put on a determined look. </p>
<p>    “Right! We’re gonna be your moral support, Tobio. And your regular support. Any kind of support you need, we’re your supporters!” she declared with such finality that Tobio couldn’t help but to laugh at her.</p>
<p>    “Alright, you’ve got it. Now. Enough about cancer. Why don’t we watch a movie and order some food?” he suggested, to the quick agreement of everyone else. Seemed they could use a distraction.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    And Tobio did fight it. He fought it for a long time. Discussing with the cancer team, they decided chemo was best, with medication to help fight the nausea and pain. Tobio was allowed to continue to play volleyball. He got tired more easily and had to ask to be subbed out on occasion but… he was playing, still. He was doing what he loved. For a time, it still brought him joy, but as the chemo continued, he started to lose his appetite. The medications just weren’t doing it anymore to keep him from being nauseous. Along with his appetite, he was losing muscle mass. He looked gaunt and pale and nothing at all like the tall, athletic volleyball player he’d once been. His hair was starting to come out in chunks when he brushed it in the morning, and he’d had a small break down the first time it happened. The chemo was destroying his body more than the cancer had been, and it felt so fucking unfair. Shouyou mourned too, when he decided to just lob all his hair off so he didn’t have to watch it come out on it’s own. However, he did proceed to get Tobio a bunch of stylish beanies to wear to practice, which he appreciated. </p>
<p>    It wasn’t long, though, before Tobio was sick and tired of being sick and tired. He wasn’t as strong as he had been. He hated not being on the court. He hated watching from the side lines, seeing Atsumu set to his partner instead of him. He hated not being on the court for Koutarou’s ‘Hey, hey, hey”s. He missed the feeling of adrenaline pumping through his veins. He missed the feeling of a good set on his fingertips. He missed the feeling when he set and Shouyou smashed it down just out of reach on the other side of the court. He missed the pride when Shouyou did his job as a decoy and the other team fell hook, line and sinker. He couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t keep missing out on his life.</p>
<p>    If losing volleyball wasn’t enough, he also could barely make it from his bedroom to the couch anymore without losing his breath. Everything hurt, always. Even more than it had before he was diagnosed. That had been manageable. Every time he moved, it felt like knives scraping his bones. He was constantly cold, but sweaty. Constantly hot, but shivering. Things that had once been easy, like making himself breakfast, now felt overwhelming and draining. </p>
<p>    He could feel Shouyou watching him, pitying him. He could see Kei from the corner of his eye, checking up on him. He was tired of being treated like a delicate flower. Tired of being treated like he was broken. He just wanted things to go back to normal.</p>
<p>    The worst part was that each check-up said the same thing. It wasn’t getting any bigger. But it also wasn’t getting any smaller. There was still nothing more that they could do. It was a fat lot of bullshit. Tobio couldn’t do it anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    “Shouyou, can we talk?”</p>
<p>    “Of course, what’s up, Tobio?” Shouyou asked, coming to sit on the couch in front of him. The couch had essentially become Tobio’s resting place at this point. He would spend countless hours of the day there, scrolling through his phone or channel surfing the TV.</p>
<p>    Tobio took a breath, hoping this would work, hoping he would convince him. “I… I don’t want you to come to the appointments anymore…” he said softly, trying to ignore the immediate hurt on Shouyou’s face. “It’s just… I don’t want you to see me hooked up like that. I feel so pathetic and I’ve always hated it but now that I’m getting more…” he gestured to himself. “I hate it…”</p>
<p>    Shouyou seemed to process for a moment and his hurt slowly turned to understanding and he nodded, taking Tobio’s hand and kissing his knuckles. “I love you, no matter what you look like, Tobio, but if it’s more comfortable for you to go on your own, then I’ll let you do that. You can take an Uber or something, we’ll figure it out.”</p>
<p>    Tobio let out a relieved breath and nodded. “Thank you, Shouyou,” he murmured, voice wobbling with emotion. Maybe this would work, after all.</p>
<p>   </p>
<p>    Tobio attended his next few chemo appointments, but really only to spread the rumor that he and Shouyou had broken up. It was all a part of his grander scheme to get healthy again. Or at least, feel healthy. He would eventually stop coming, once he felt he’d convinced everyone not to contact Shouyou looking for him. Instead, he’d go to the gym and try to get his muscle mass back up, try to re-expand his lung capacity. He was going to play volleyball again. He was going to <em> live </em>again. He was. He wasn’t going to lie down and let cancer knock him on his ass. If he was going to die, then he was going to die doing what he loved, not wallowing in self-misery. He just hoped, if anything happened, Shouyou would understand. Though, he felt it had always been known that while they loved each other, they loved volleyball more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    It takes months for him to get back to where he was pre-cancer and pre-chemo, but he does it. He looks and feels healthy again, for the most part. His muscle mass is back. He still gets fatigued, but not like he used to. He can run and jump and play again. He comes back to the team and they’re ecstatic to have him back. He sees everyone’s hope, and it spurns him on. Clearly, he made the right decision. He needed volleyball and volleyball needed him. His team needed him. Everyone is happy to have him back, so every time he feels that little fear niggling the back of his mind, he shoves it down. Everytime he gets an errant headache. Everytime his vision blurs. Everytime his muscles feel like they’re made of taffy. Everytime his knees go a little weak. But he’s not on the bench anymore. He’s not watching from the side lines anymore. He can feel the sets, the satisfaction, the adrenaline. He feels alive again, and he’s so happy. He ignores what the cancer may or may not be doing in the background because he’s living again. He ignores the guilt of lying to Shouyou about what the doctors are saying. He hasn’t been to a doctor in months. For all they know, he’s dropped off the face of the earth. But, he can breathe again. He can play again. That’s all that matters.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    They’re playing another Tokyo university, a huge televised event. Tobio’s sets to Shouyou are phenomenal. Koutarou’s energy is keeping the crowd roaring. Kei’s blocks are better than they’ve been in a long time. Tobio can hear Hitoka, Tadashi and Keiji screaming cheers for their team. Each set feels like electricity through his veins. Each good decoy pull from Shouyou makes his heart sing with pride. They are a well oiled machine, earning point after point after point, taking the first set. At half time, Tobio can tell his knees feel like jello, and there’s the weird floatiness at the back of his head, but he is not going to let this go and sit the next set out. He pushes it down, takes a few painkillers and drinks a bottle of water, bouncing on his toes to shake the jitters out. They’ve come too far, done too much, to lose him now. They need him. Atsumu could do it, sure, but Tobio also knows what his benching would do to Kei and Shouyou’s morale. They would be too worried to play as well as they have been. He needed to stay in. He wanted to stay in. Everything would be fine.</p>
<p>    Everything was fine. It’s what he told himself when his knees started to feel like stress balls in their sockets, too squishy and malleable when he landed jumps. It’s what he told himself when the floatiness would flare up and make him feel like he was viewing himself from above the court before he came careening back down just in time to give a set to Shouyou or Koutarou. It’s what he told himself when his vision blurred and faded while the other team served, coming back just as Lev picked up the receive. </p>
<p>    He’s enjoying himself, enjoying the feeling of being on the court again, and for a crowd this large. He’s enjoying his warm welcome back to the volleyball scene. He’s even, for once, enjoying the fan girls screaming his name any time he served. He’s enjoying himself, and while it occurs to him that something is wrong, he pushes it down, and instead tells himself everything is fine. In fact, he was in the middle of an iteration of that mantra when the stray ball hit him in the head and he went down like a sack of rocks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Shouyou was happy to have Tobio back on the team and playing in the big leagues with them again. He was delighted by how much fun Tobio seemed to be having. He could see some pain lines around his eyes, but that was only ‘cause he knew him well enough. But he also trusted that if Tobio needed out, he would ask to be subbed out. He’d done it before, so Shouyou had no reason to doubt he would do so again. He loved watching his boyfriend play, loved watching his form, loved watching his camaraderie with the team. He looked strong, and healthy. Maybe he was beating this thing. Maybe everything would be okay, after all. Maybe Shouyou would finally get some solid sleep tonight, instead of lying awake wondering if it would be their last night together.</p>
<p>    No one saw the ball flying over from the other court. There was no warning. Why would there be? It was volleyball in an open gym, after all. Accidents happened and balls went flying all the time. But not all the time did they hit the player with a cancerous brain tumor. Not all the time did they knock said player out and send him to the ground in a horrifying slump. Not all the time did such a ball create mass panic for one whole side of a court. Shouyou was running before his brain even processed what was going on, moving on instinct toward Tobio. The rest of the team seemed to be moving in slow motion around him, all moving toward their unconscious teammate.</p>
<p>    “Tobio?! Tobio!” Oh god, was that <em> his </em>voice? Why did he sound like that? It was too shrill, too panicked. Certainly everything would be okay. Tobio had been doing so much better. But now he wasn’t waking up. The medics were right beside Shouyou, trying to wake him, but they couldn’t. Tobio wasn’t getting up. Shouyou could hear the announcer talking about what was happening, sharing Tobio’s diagnosis with the folks at home, speculating as to what the problem could be. He wants to rip the announcer’s lips off and tell him to respect their privacy. He wanted Tobio to open his eyes. He wanted everything to be okay. He was quickly realizing everything was, in fact, not okay.</p>
<p>    “Okay, get the stretcher, he needs to go,” the medic to Shouyou’s left said, sending two others running to get the stretcher for the ambulance.</p>
<p>    “I’m going with,” Shouyou said softly, taking Tobio’s hand.</p>
<p>    “I’m sorry, sir, only family is allowed to go in the ambulance,” the medic said. “Please give the patient some space, sir.”</p>
<p>    “I am his family.”</p>
<p>    “Sir, I’m so--”</p>
<p>    “I am going with him, damn you! I am his family and I am going with him!” Shouyou wasn’t sure if it was the screaming or the tears, or the hush that came over the stadium as he screamed, that sold it, and he didn’t care, but the medic paled and nodded, swallowing thickly.</p>
<p>    “C-certainly.”</p>
<p>    Shouyou felt Kei’s hand on his upper arm, pulling at him as he sobbed. Tobio still hadn’t moved, and Shouyou was so scared, but he’d be damned if he’d let anyone pull him away, even Kei. “Shouyou, come on, please. You could be in the way right now. Let them do what they need to, okay? Please. Let them make sure he’s okay. You’ll ride in the ambulance, we won’t let them leave without you, I promise, just come here, please,” Kei begged, and his voice was so raw it made Shouyou look away from Tobio for the first time.</p>
<p>    The team stood around them all in a semi circle, shielding Tobio from the crowd and cameras, affording him some semblance of privacy. Everyone was red-eyed and sniffling. Tadashi, Hitoka and Keiji were briefly held back by game security before their coach made sure they were let through. Their whole family was here. Their whole family was here, and they were protecting them. Shouyou felt himself break, and he allowed himself to be gathered up into Kei’s arms, sobbing. The love of his life was lying on the floor, unconscious. He was terrified, and it showed in the way he sobbed, cries of panic and fear ripping from his throat. He didn’t care that it was now the only sound in the stadium.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    The game doesn’t continue after that. No one, not even Atsumu, is willing to take Tobio’s place, and no one wanted to be away from the hospital. Everyone wanted to know Tobio would be okay. The team walked, the game be damned, which Shouyou appreciated beyond belief. He needed his family and support right now. He sat and held Tobio’s pale, clammy hand as they rode in the ambulance. He knew the team was right behind them. He couldn’t stop crying. Clearly, Tobio wasn’t getting better. Not if something like a stray ball put him out. It made Shouyou’s heart sick with worry and grief. Something was very, very wrong, and he could feel it tugging like an anchor, dragging him down beneath the waves.</p>
<p>    When they arrived at the hospital, Shouyou was left in the ER waiting room, Tobio quickly wheeled away, out of Shouyou’s sight. It didn’t take long for Kei and the others to arrive, gathering around him protectively, all still in their uniforms, skin sticky with dried sweat. They certainly made quite the scene, a bunch of athletic men, standing around looking menacing in an otherwise sleepy emergency room. There were a few people who seemed to recognize them, but that also seemed to recognize not to bother them at the moment, Shouyou noticed. </p>
<p>    He felt, rather than saw, Hitoka and Tadashi’s arms come around him, holding him tight and together. Kei’s hand slipped into his, sweaty palms burning, gripping him tightly, like he needed Shouyou to keep his own shit together. When he did look up, that’s exactly what Kei looked like, too, eyes swimming with unshed tears, jaw tight with fear. They had planned for this, all those months ago, but they never really believed it might come to fruition. They always thought Tobio would beat it. That he would be stronger. Shouyou could feel that last little shred of hope start to rip away, leaving the gaping wound that had been festering in his heart to begin to bleed out.</p>
<p>   </p>
<p>    Shouyou wasn’t sure how long they were all there. It felt like minutes, it could’ve been hours. He was exhausted, feeling like he’d fought a two-hundred man army all on his own. He’d yet to cry, but he could feel the tears creeping on him, threatening to spill at any given moment. It felt like all someone had to do was look at him wrong and he would break. Kei already had, and Tadashi had taken him out to the parking lot to calm down for a bit. Hitoka had been kind enough to stay with him, even though he could tell she was worried about Kei, too. He really admired the relationship of the three. He should tell them that sometime when he wasn’t worried about his boyfriend dying, he thought.</p>
<p>    “Shouyou Hinata?” a familiar-ish voice called his name and he whipped around to lock eyes with whoever it was. She looked familiar, too, with her dark black hair piled in a bun atop her head, and her smart glasses.</p>
<p>    “I believe we’ve met before. Dr. Hitomi Yoshida,” she re-introduced herself. Ah, yes. That made sense. They saw her the last time they were here. “I’m sorry we’re meeting again in this manner.”</p>
<p>    “Is he okay?” Shouyou asked, wanting to cut the chase. </p>
<p>    Dr. Yoshida sighed. “Unfortunately, I can’t say he’s ‘okay’ by the strictest definitions. He will wake up, probably sometime tomorrow. His brain got a little bruised, but overall is… normal, for what it is. We’re keeping him in a drug induced coma for now and will bring him out when the swelling has gone down a bit… Now, Shouyou… did Tobio mention anything about stopping chemotherapy or going off of his medications?”</p>
<p>    Shouyou’s brows drew together in confusion and it made Dr. Yoshida sigh again.</p>
<p>    “I had feared as much. His blood draws don’t show any sign of the chemotherapy, nor do they show any levels of the medication he was supposed to be on. Shouyou… because he has been off of these, for who knows how long, the tumor has grown. It’s still inoperable…”</p>
<p>    “No....” Shouyou was already shaking his head. He knew where this was going. He knew but he didn’t want to accept it. He had known. He’d known Tobio had looked <em> too </em> healthy, that Tobio had been in <em> too </em>good of shape. He knew that the chemo should’ve been making Tobio look sickly like before but he hadn’t wanted to accept it. “No, no, no…” The tears finally bubbled over and he sobbed, feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut.</p>
<p>    “Our estimates give him about two months to live. I’m so sorry, Hinata-san,” Dr. Yoshida said, reaching out to pat his arm. “Is there anything I can get you? A glass of water? Would you like to sit? I can get a grief counselor for you…” </p>
<p>    Shouyou’s mind felt like a whirlwind of anxiety and emotion, but totally blank at the same time. Numb, but overwhelmed. “No, no, I… no. Thank you.” </p>
<p>    He stepped back and turned to his team. His family. They had heard, he could tell. They looked as devastated as he felt. Koutarou was crying. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Koutarou cry, but there he was, holding Keiji, silent tears tracing down his cheeks. Lev was sniffling, but keeping his tears in. Hitoka was bawling the same as Shouyou and he reached out to her. Tadashi and Kei were still out. Oh, god, Kei…</p>
<p>    “Hitoka… we gotta… K-Kei,” he whined, giving her a look. It would kill him. It would kill them to tell him. They had to. She nodded and took his hand, moving slowly with him through the ER sliding doors and out into the cool night air. It was a bit of a shock to his system, which had been running quite hot at the moment with the anxiety and tension of the night. He could hear Tadashi and Kei’s voices carrying on the gentle breeze, coming from the left.</p>
<p>    The night was such a stark contrast to their feelings. It was calm and Shouyou could hear crickets singing, and though it was a chillier fall night, it was still comfortable. There wasn’t much traffic, and in the distance, there was the cheering of a group, maybe they were watching volleyball and their favorite team scored. It was so incongruent with the night they were having. </p>
<p>    Their steps were quiet as they shuffled over to their friends. Tadashi saw them first, as Kei’s head was tucking into his shoulder. When he saw their faces, his grip on Kei tightened immediately. “Kei,” he murmured, causing him to look up. Kei’s eyes met Shouyou’s and he could tell Kei knew. He didn’t have to say anything. He didn’t <em> have </em>to tell him. But he did.</p>
<p>    “T-two months…” Shouyou sobbed.</p>
<p>    “Fucking!” Kei snapped, his phone whipping out of his hand and clattering across the pavement. “He stopped, didn’t he? He fucking stopped, when he said he would fight! He fucking stopped… He stopped…” </p>
<p>    Shouyou couldn’t speak, he could only nod, sobbing along with Kei. He watched for a moment, but he couldn’t just let Kei cry alone like that. He didn’t want to cry alone, either. He moved to Kei, gathering him in his arms and holding him. They cried together like that for a long time, it felt like. It felt like their tears would never end, like the anger and betrayal would never end. It felt like they were just going to spiral and spiral and spiral in a never ending loop. This couldn’t be happening. But it was. It was happening. But Shouyou didn’t want to believe it. Couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe Tobio would go back on his promise. Couldn’t believe Tobio would betray the forever they’d promised each other so many times.</p>
<p>    It was happening, though. Tobio was dying. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. He was dying. He would be dead. In two months. In two months, he would be dead. In two months, Tobio Kageyama would be deceased. Dead. Deady dead dead.</p>
<p>    For some reason, the more Shouyou thought the word, the less sense it made. Were they going to have a funeral? How did all of this work when you <em> knew </em> someone was going to die? <em> “Oh hey, Tobio, you’re dying, what do you want it to look like when you finally kick the can?” </em>It made Shouyou’s skin crawl to think about. It felt so gross. </p>
<p>    Eventually, the tears stopped. Eventually Shouyou loosened his grip on Kei, and Kei looked up. Tadashi and Hitoka looked just as drained as Shouyou felt and Kei looked. He couldn’t feel his fingertips, chilled in the fall air. He couldn’t feel his legs, numb from standing too long. His knees felt creaky from being locked while they’d cried. Nothing about his body felt real at the moment. Tadashi and Hitoka came to them, wrapping them in hugs. They knew they’d have to go back in, but right now, it was nice to just be with their small little hometown family.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Tobio felt like hell. The low, slow beep of a machine to his right pierced into his dreams and woke him slowly. The last few days or hours, he wasn’t sure which, were a blur. He remembered playing. Did they win? No, he would remember that, he was sure. It would’ve been his first win since… <em> Oh.  </em></p>
<p>    The light was blinding when he was able to open his eyes against the floaty tugging of sleep. It took a few moments before his sight cleared up and he could see a hospital room around him. Shouyou was asleep on the couch, Kei in the recliner. There were a surprising amount of flowers piled on the window sill and an even more surprising amount of stuffed things piled up around him. <em> Oh no… </em></p>
<p>    They knew. They had to know at this point. He was certainly in the hospital for a reason. Tobio could feel the dread start to settle in his stomach. Shouyou must be so mad. Kei must be livid. Of course they would be. They loved him. He knew that much. They wouldn’t understand his need, that’s why he hadn’t told them. But now he’d fucked up and gotten hurt and they knew.</p>
<p>    To his right, the heart monitor started to reflect his panic and beep louder and more quickly. It roused Kei from his light slumber, and Tobio shrank back as those amber eyes pierced his. He wanted the hospital bed to absorb him now, please. He wanted to not have to look at Kei’s hurt and anger. He wanted to not have to face the consequences of his actions. Wasn’t that just typical, though?</p>
<p>    Kei squinted at him, then sighed. “Calm down. You’re in trouble, yeah, but I still love your dumb ass. So does he. Relax, you shouldn’t get panicked right now,” he said softly, getting up and crossing over to Tobio. Tobio was surprised by the gentleness of Kei’s hand and gave it a squeeze.</p>
<p>    “I’m sorry,” he rasped, throat dry from non-use. </p>
<p>    Kei tsked and rolled his eyes. “Tell that to him. I’m gonna need a lot more than sorry. He might get what you did and why, but I will never. You promised us. That’s a big promise to break. But let’s worry about that later. Right now, you could probably use some water and food, right?”</p>
<p>    Tobio nodded, feeling the guilt simmer in his stomach. “Please.” Kei nodded and grabbed a remote from beside his bed, pressing it. </p>
<p>    “Can we help you?” came a voice over the intercom.</p>
<p>    “He’s awake, can we get a food menu and some water?” Kei asked.</p>
<p>    “Oh, of course. A nurse will be right down.”</p>
<p>    The room fell quiet then, Tobio not knowing where to even begin to explain to Kei, or if he even could. Of course Kei was mad. Of course he was. Tobio would be mad if it was him, if Kei had been in his place and he’d done this. </p>
<p>    Tobio had to try.</p>
<p>    “Life… doesn’t mean anything withou--”</p>
<p>    “Don’t you dare. You know that isn’t true. Your life with him meant something. Whether it had volleyball in it or not. If you wanna give me excuses, you need a better one than that, because you promised that boy forever, Tobio. You promised us a long time. We’re your family. You’re saying we don’t mean anything? Nice try,” Kei snapped scathingly.</p>
<p>    Tobio shrank back again. Kei was right. That was the excuse he’d been telling himself, but his life could’ve meant something outside of volleyball. It could have. He just didn’t want to try. He gave up. Tobio’s chin wobbled as he came to the realization. It wasn’t the first time he had refused to try, wasn’t the first time he’d given up. He just thought that the last time would be that - the last time. That he would never take on the King persona again. But… he’d turned his back on his team again. He’d done it again.</p>
<p>    Kei seemed to realize the effect it was having on him, because he sat beside Tobio and squeezed his hand. “Hey, you don’t get to take all the blame here. We knew. We should’ve known, anyways. We should’ve known you looked too healthy. We should’ve known that something…” His voice became strained as he continued, and Tobio could tell he was holding back tears. “We failed you…”</p>
<p>    Tobio shook his head, gripping Kei’s hand tighter. He couldn’t keep back the tears now. He felt so guilty and scared. He was going to die. He was going to die and it was his own fault. If only he’d…</p>
<p>    “Stop it,” came Shouyou’s voice, groggy with sleep, making Tobio startle. “Both of you. Stop. You’re spiraling. Don’t even deny it, I can see you,” he grumbled, pushing himself upright. Tobio didn’t know how he could be so easy-going, even still, even knowing his boyfriend was dying. </p>
<p>    Tobio opened his mouth to apologize, but Shouyou held up a palm to stop him. “I don’t want to hear it right now. I love you, but I can’t hear it right now. Just… stop blaming yourself. You too, Kei. We can’t… we can’t change what’s in the past. So let’s just make the best of the time we have, okay?” When Shouyou looked up to him, his eyes were shining with tears, and Tobio choked back a sob, nodding.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    The last two months of Tobio’s life passed in a blur and in slow motion. It was too slow and too fast all at once. He felt like he couldn’t hold on to all of the memories. That things were slipping away too fast. He spent every waking hour with Shouyou, doing the best he could to be present as his body deteriorated. Kei, Hitoka and Tadashi visited frequently. The rest of the team almost as frequently, bringing him practice tapes to watch, asking his advice. Trying as hard as they could to act like he wasn’t fading before their eyes. His parents visited briefly, busy as ever, but trying to make time for him. Miwa put a stop to her schedule to spend the last month with him. He felt like he was hanging on by a thread at some point.</p>
<p>    Despite his best efforts, the exhaustion and fatigue was eating at him again. He could only stay awake for so long before needing a nap. Food wasn’t sitting well with him. He could feel himself retracting back to how he was on chemo. But Shouyou and the others tried their best to make him feel normal. Even the nurses and CNAs joked and played with him, trying to make his life normal. There was nothing normal about this, about dying slowly in a hospital, though. </p>
<p>    He was terrified, and each day it felt like death was looming a little closer. Every day was a little more painful, as organs would shut down and restart. They were just keeping him alive as long as they could now. He knew. He knew it was coming, he could feel it in his bones and he was so scared. He had so many regrets. He wished he could turn back the clock and do it better. He wished he’d married Shouyou. He wished Kei could be his best man. Miwa would’ve been a pretty maid of honor. He could’ve had both, why pick? Hitoka and Tadashi would’ve stood at Shouyou’s side. It would’ve been beautiful. Why hadn’t he asked?</p>
<p>    He looked over at Shouyou, asleep on the couch, the blue-ish light from the IV pump kissing his cheeks in the early fall morning. He was up far too early, but couldn’t sleep anymore. His body was weirdly energized. Something in his bones was telling him that today was important. He needed to be awake. He needed to get started. There was much to do.</p>
<p>    It was like Shouyou was in tune with him - of course he was, they were made for each other - and he blinked awake, amber eyes meeting his. He watched the smile break out on Shouyou’s face like the sun breaking over the horizon. “Good morning,” he whispered warmly into the room, and Tobio couldn’t help but smile back. </p>
<p>    “Hey. Morning, Shouyou,” Tobio replied, savoring the way his name felt on his lips and tongue. Like sweet honey and jam. “There’s something I want to do. Something so that… so that I can die without regrets…”</p>
<p>    Shouyou swallowed and nodded. “What can I do to help?”</p>
<p>    “Marry me, Shouyou…”</p>
<p>    His smile could have lit all of Tokyo for a week. When he bound over and pressed his lips to Tobio’s, he savored that, too. Like sweet honey and jam.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Kei was sat to Tobio's right, and Miwa to the right of him. Shouyou was at his left, then Tadashi and Hitoka. The hospital clergy stood at the foot of Tobio’s bed. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two souls in holy matrimony,” he started to drone. Tobio could only look at Shouyou, eyes tracing over freckles and scars, little pock marks of healed acne, the now ever-present bags under his eyes, the soft plushness of his lips - ever beautiful piece of his love, committing it to memory, trying to take freeze frames with his brain. His stupid, shitty, tumor filled brain. If he was going to take anything with him, he wanted to take this. He wanted to cling to this with his last breath. </p>
<p>    He didn’t listen to anything when the clergy spoke, but when it was finally time for Shouyou to speak, he hung on every word, wanting to grow drunk on the sweet notes of his sangria voice. “You know, I’m not great with words. I really tried, but I think a lot of people can say what I want to say better than I can. So… I found poetry for you. If you’ll let me read it to you?” he asked, and Tobio couldn’t deny him.</p>
<p>    “J. Sterling wrote, ‘I recognized you instantly. All of our lives flashed through my mind in a split second. I felt a pull so strongly towards you that I almost couldn’t stop it.’ This is how I felt the first time I saw you and every time after, Tobio. We were fated to meet in this life, we were fated to be partners. And if we were fated… if we were fated to meet in this life, then surely…” Shouyou stopped, chin wobbling and eyes shiny with tears. “Surely we are fated to meet in the next life, too. So… you’re not just promising me forever in this life. You’re promising me forever in the next life, too. Got it?” </p>
<p>    Tobio nodded quickly and took Shouyou’s hand. “Got it… Uh. I’m not good with words either. So Kei and Hitoka helped me pick these ones out for you. They’re by someone named Steve Marboli said, uhm…” Tobio took a breath, suddenly nervous, “The greatest love stories are unexpected, unexplained... choreographed chaos played out in God’s timing. It feels like a chance encounter with a familiar stranger... Like a rekindling of an eternal flame.’ Being with you… being loved by you, Shouyou, each moment is a rekindling of that flame. That flame will live on, I swear it. We’ll meet again, and we’ll love again. I’ll be with you again,” Tobio couldn’t help but squeeze Shouyou’s hand as the words got harder. He was so scared. He was scared to die, but at least with this, Shouyou would always be his. “Always. I will always be with you, Shouyou. I will look for you and you will look for me and…” He couldn’t continue, the tears spilling over and his heart squeezing with a sob. </p>
<p>    Shouyou nodded and pulled him into a searing kiss. The clergy pronounced them married, and Tobio felt a weight come off of his shoulders. He didn’t have to be as afraid, now, because no matter what, he belonged to Shouyou, and Shouyou belonged to him. He could let go. He could relax.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    It was late in the night. It had been about three days since they got married. Tobio was awake again, that same buzzing in his bones telling him something important was coming. Shouyou was curled up to his side, had been since they tied the knot. Tobio felt it must have something to do with thinking that he would go now that he wouldn’t have any regrets. Tobio wondered if that was what this weird feeling was. Regardless, he shook Shouyou awake, intending to spend every waking minute he had making memories with his husband.</p>
<p>    Shouyou stirred and kissed his cheek with chapped lips, the hospital air having dried both of theirs out at this point. “Morning, Tobio,” Shouyou murmured, and Tobio committed that saccharine voice to memory. He felt Shouyou’s hand find his and squeeze. “You’re up early.”</p>
<p>    “My body is telling me now is a good time to be awake,” he murmured back. “I think… I think it might be time…”</p>
<p>    Shouyou’s breath caught and he looked up at Tobio with tearful eyes. “Now? You’re sure? But… we just… Now?” His chin wobbled.</p>
<p>    “I don’t know. I’m not sure. It just feels like…” Tobio shrugged, and kissed Shouyou deeply. “I don’t know. But something is definitely going on. I just… just in case? So you can have closure.”</p>
<p>    “Should I get the others?”</p>
<p>    Tobio shook his head. “Not yet,” he whispered. “I just want to share these moments with you. I want as many memories of you as I can have to take with me into the afterlife, or whatever comes next. Please just stay with me, and we’ll talk. Just stay.”</p>
<p>    “Of course, Tobio,” Shouyou promised, kissing him again, tears tracking down his cheeks. “I’ll stay with you as long as you need. Always.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    It wasn’t too long after that Tobio passed, snuggled up to Shouyou, heartbeat growing slower, breaths growing shallower. Shouyou felt bad, but they never got the others. He wanted to be selfish in those moments. Wanted Tobio all to himself, to the very last minute. He held Tobio in his arms to his last breath, to the last memory of holding his hand, to the last of Shouyou’s tears falling on his cheeks as he smiled up at him. He pressed a kiss to Tobio’s head as his eyes closed and his grip went limp. Knowing it was coming didn’t make it any easier. He didn’t sob and wail like he thought he would, but it was difficult in those last moments, to accept that he’d really passed on. He tried to wake Tobio a few times before the nurses came in, but nothing would rile him. He was gone now, into the afterlife, or whatever came next. They would find each other again. He just knew it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>   </p>
<p>    Shouyou cozied into his scarf, tugging his coat closer to himself in the brisk mid-spring wind. He was hurrying home to Kei and the others - it was pizza night (which had replaced volleyball practice night, over time) and he had to make the pizza. He was already running so late from his job at the school and this damn wind wasn’t helping. He didn’t even really register that he was passing his and Tobio’s cherry tree anymore, it had been so long since Tobio had passed and he’d been repressing it so hard. He was grumbling to himself when he ran into something, <em> hard, </em>and fell on his ass.</p>
<p>    “Shit!” he cursed. “Hey watch where you’re --” he had started to yell at whoever he’d run into only to be cut off by staring up into the most beautiful blue eyes. Ones he’d only ever seen once before. </p>
<p>    The little boy they belonged to was backing away from him, lip trembling. “I-I’m so--”</p>
<p>    “No, no, no, I’m sorry, that was my fault, I didn’t see you…” Shouyou scrambled up, and held out a hand to the kid. It couldn’t be. There was no way… but… he was a spitting image.</p>
<p>    “I’m sorry. I’m Shouyou. It’s okay, you’re safe. What’s your name?” he asked, stooping a bit to be on eye level with him.</p>
<p>    “Tobio,” the child mumbled, hesitantly coming forward.</p>
<p>    “Tobio?” Shouyou smiled, feeling himself get choked up. “My husband was named that. Where are your parents, Tobio?”</p>
<p>    “I don’t have any…” he pouted.</p>
<p>    “Where do you stay?” Shouyou asked, worry starting to spark in him.</p>
<p>    Tobio shrugged.</p>
<p>    Shouyou took a deep breath. “I know you just met me, but my friends and I are having pizza tonight. Do you want to come eat with us, and then I can take you somewhere safe, like a shelter or foster home?”</p>
<p>    Tobio seemed to think about it for a moment. “Are they nice?”</p>
<p>    Shouyou couldn’t help but laugh at the innocent question. “They’re very nice. Except Kei. He’s a meanie stinker butt. But I didn’t tell you that,” he said with a grin, getting Tobio to giggle.</p>
<p>    “What kind of pizza?”</p>
<p>    “Well, it’s my turn to make it, so if you want, you can decide what goes on it,” Shouyou said, giving him a smile. Tobio smiled in return and nodded.</p>
<p>    Shouyou ruffled his hair and took his hand. “They’ll be so happy to meet you, Tobio.” </p>
<p>    <em> So happy to meet you, again. To have you in our lives again. </em></p>
<p>    That night, Shouyou decided he was going to be a dad, and worked the next months on getting Tobio established in a foster home, only to adopt him out again. </p>
<p>    Sometimes, a soulmate is a lover. Sometimes, a soulmate is a friend. Sometimes, a soulmate is a little boy, orphaned on the streets. No matter how they came apart, Tobio and Shouyou would always come together. Two souls entwined, for eternity.</p>
<p>   </p>
<p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed, I hope you cried, I hope you hate me just a little for making this. Please scream at me in the comments. I love you all very, very much. Please take care of yourselves.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>